How lack of communication destroyed my relationship

 So I was in a relationship for 4 years from 2013 - 2017.  

Nearing the end of my relationship I remember being very closed off from her. I’ve heard that a couple should chat for at least 90 minutes per week. 90 minutes of heart to heart conversation. Like no BS small talk.

So, I didn’t really talk about my feelings or my fears.

Again I wasn’t vulnerable, for example I never spoke about my social anxiety and how it prohibited me from making new friends.

I didn’t really ever engage with her family because of my social anxiety, meaning I would stay away from her parent’s home. I would constantly make up excuses not to go there.

Also, and this relates to my mental illness, I never spoke about my depression, or things that hurt me. For example friends that hurt me.

Or why it hurt me.  I was open about my bipolar so I was an easy target for some people. Comments like “have you taken your pills today” “are you still on your meds”? Those cut deep, but I never communicated that hurt to her.

I never spoke about my vices. For example: Things that I was envious of, people that I envied and what specifically I envied about them.  

When I started working after college I started drinking a lot more, I would drink everyday after work. This is something we never spoke about,  because at college I never really drank much. I started partying after college really. I only got into the substances in 2019.